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A spoof profile:

Possibly the only ‘official’ Government document of its type ever produced

Home Office Scientific Research and Development Branch
Science and Technology Group


A 3 year study of the Durability and Performance Characteristics of
a former Seconded Fire Officer (Richard Lock)
FEU Staff

The views expressed in this document are those of the Authors and whilst not reflecting the views of the Home Office, are probably much nearer the truth.

Talks or lectures based on material contained within the Document may not be given without the consent of The Director, Home Office, Scientific Research and Development Branch, unless he's not in that day.

Home Office
Scientific Research and Development Branch
Horseferry House
Dean Ryle Street London. SW1P 2AW
© Crown Copyright 1989


This report covers the 3rd phase of an ongoing programme to investigate the depths to which science and technology can sink. The subject chosen was totally unwitting and is still (as far is known) of the opinion that his "secondment" was in connection with the Fire Service Inspectorate. The co-operation of Messrs. Roundell and Burgon in this matter is greatly appreciated.

He will be returned to "normal" fire service duties as soon as practicable, however, a period of rehabilitation will be necessary to enable the officer to relearn the work ethic on a gradual basis. To this end, a suitable post surrounded by females has been selected.

It would not be advisable to let this officer attempt firefighting in the near future, because he has been conditioned to wait a minimum of eight minutes before commencing. This may not be considered acceptable in normal Fire Service practice.

Normally the management summaries required by the subject are three times as long as the rest of the report. If he were to see one as short as this, the shock may be fatal.